Off My Green Couch

Jun 18

Off My Green Couch, 26

Ten things I found I need today that I didn’t need 1 year ago:

1. My Title 9 Last Resort bra. And all 11 hooks. The benefit of having this bra is seen in my newly sculptured triceps and biceps. I wish I could video tape the chore that must be completed before each and every run. Trying to maneuver and harness down all that flesh while at the same time targeting the first of eleven 1/8-inch hooks to hit its intended eye at the precise angle. I swear it takes 10 minutes. Who needs 5 pound barbells for upper arm toning? Oh yeah….and the 2nd best benefit? I don’t have to worry about black eyes while I’m struggling to jog past the 8-minute mark.

2. No creep panties—-oh wait. I needed those 1 year ago. It is NOT comfortable to have your underwear creep up while you are sitting on your Green Couch watching TV and eating ice cream.

3. My Asics 2160 Running Shoes. $85. Probably more than I’ve spent on tennis shoes my whole life. Until recently, I only bought sneakers for…. for…I guess just for work. And my scientific method for buying said tennies? I went to the women’s shoe aisle, looked for size 9 or 9-1/2 with a price tag of $19.99 or less. Didn’t care about the color, or if there was a light-weight design that helps create a more efficient, controlled gait, or about the antimicrobial ComforDry lining, the insole, the outer sole, or any other kind of sole! Now days, I am seeing that as I continue in this ‘race’ to regain my life, the longer distance I achieve, the more important the running shoes have become. I’m sure I’ll have to upgrade in the fall. And I can’t wait until I have a shoe-tan; you know, like the golfers have? Your feet are white as the inside arms of Edward Cullen but from the ankles up your legs are a golden brown.

4. My Bic shaver. A year ago, there was no need to shave every day…not too many people cared if my legs looked like George Clooney’s sexy, stubbly face. Especially me. Truth is, no one STILL cares. But if something ever happened while I was out huffing and puffing through my 1.4 mile jog and I had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and they took me to the hospital I work at and the young, male patient care tech had to hook me up to a 12-lead EKG and the stickies wouldn’t stick to my legs because they were too hairy——well, I might be a little bit embarrassed. Thus, I shave my legs a lot more often now.

5. Drawstring shorts. I have plenty of elastic waistband shorts—-and slacks, jeans, skirts, etc. When you are a fan of sitting on the couch, buying clothes with snaps, zippers, and buttons is not the smartest thing to do. But when I started jogging, I had a problem with holding my britches up, even before I started losing weight! I suppose that spare tire under my non-bouncing chest still must jostle around, jiggling like a bowl of lime green jello riding the Texas Giant. Thus, my elastic waist band shorts would follow the law of gravity and start shifting down my hips….I already have one hand on Rhonda Sue’s leash and my iPhone in the other hand…. It’s a darn good thing I couldn’t run for any more than 40 seconds at a time!

6. A light-weight, semi-form-fitting moisture-wicking shirt. Up until this recent spike in activity, the bigger and baggier the t-shirt the better. And sometimes, sitting on that Green Couch, it would get a little chilly under that ceiling fan, so a long sleeve t-shirt was even better! Once I started moving a little, I noticed the longer I jogged the more the front of these shirts rode up and around my neck…I thought I was gonna choke to death. And let’s face it—-I was already having a hard enough time getting the precious oxygen to rush through my mouth/nose, down my throat, and into my lungs! I didn’t need any extra encumbrances from my bright yellow Michael Waltrip NAPA Toyota t-shirt.

7. Baseball cap. No wait….I used that before I started running. I used it for mowing and for attending NASCAR events and baseball games. Never mind. I have noticed, however, that I am definitely getting a tan line on my forehead. But much better than that stinging sweat dripping in my eyes. I’ll change #7 to my Weight Watchers E-Tools ap on my beloved iPhone. So easy to track your Points Plus values…it does all the cipherin’ for ya!

8. Smart Water. Precious precious Smart Water. We have had many a discussion regarding Smart Water at work. Is it really all that good or is it just the packaging? And the surprise animal hiding on the inside label; will it be a crab or an otter or the frog? Maybe the duck or a gold fish or a turtle? Up until a year ago….I rarely drank bottled water. Why in the HECK would you pay for water in a plastic bottle when you can get it for free out of the tap??? If I’m going to pay for a drink, I’m going to make it a Diet Coke. And that is what I did—-to the tune of about 6 or 8 diet cokes a day. And such an oxymoron! The aspartame in diet coke actually makes me hungry….so I’d have to eat something and then you HAVE to wash it down with Diet coke and then the cycle repeated itself again….another form of insanity, I’d say! I gave up Diet coke for lent (not that my religion observes lent, but what could be the harm of giving up a pleasure to show repentance in honor of our awesome God?) and after a week I could feel such a difference. Now I average about 1 diet soda every two weeks or so, and it’s usually in direct proportion to my lack of reliance on a Higher Power while I am at work. Today I drink Wal-mart brand water daily, but reward myself with Smart Water after a run. And it’s doubly pleasurable when I peak in and see the adorable little otter playfully floating on his little back!

9. Runkeeper. Are you kidding me? I would have never DREAMED I would want to keep track of how far I’ve jogged, my current and average pace, my current and average speed, elevation climbed, etc. A year ago I would have needed an Eat-Ice-Cream-Keeper: what flavors last longer, how many spoonfuls per minute, room temperature/melting ratio, consumption speed increase during commercial breaks, use of bowl, cone, or direct from carton, etc.

10. Advice from my Runner Friends. I was the WORST critic of people and their running conversations, always griping and complaining about a new pain here and being tired after a 13 mile run and maintaining maximum heart rate and losing toenails and buffing off calluses blah ble blah ble blah. You wanna go 26.2 miles? Drive a darn car! But these same Runner Friends—that I almost prided myself badgering and harassing a year ago— are now my greatest source of encouragement! They cheer me on and they say that I inspire them. They are excited about MY excitement and are always ready with wise words of counsel. Thank you God for my Runner Friends.

And thank you God for getting me Off My Green Couch. You aint seen nothin’ yet!